


my name

by randomstar



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Insecurity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-05 01:57:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16801399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomstar/pseuds/randomstar
Summary: Aya had a bad habit of searching her own name on the internet and she couldn't stop doing it even tho it made her really upset





	my name

**Author's Note:**

> hey! i finally write hinaaya (i've been meaning to write this for a while now hehe). As usual i'll be warning you guys about grammar mistakes and please enjoy :D

“Here we go again.”

Maruyama Aya gulped before settling herself down on the chair, carefully opening up her laptop. Pastel*Palettes meeting wouldn’t start at least for another hour but she checked the clock on the corner of the agency room just to be extra sure. She could feel droplets of sweat running down to her cheeks as she nervously clicked on the globe icon, which quickly led her to the usual search engine. The vocalist took a good look at her keyboard, seemingly hesitating to do what she was so sure about to do earlier.

“You’ve done these thousand times already, Aya!” She shouted to herself, giving her cheeks a good slap just because. It’s not the exact pep-talk that she needed but she had to make do with whatever that she could think. The browser had been wide open in front of her now and she gently placed her fingers on the keyboard, typing _“Maruyama Aya from Pastel*Palettes”_ into the search box.

Yes. It’s definitely one of those ego-search days.

Aya wasn’t sure since when this became a habit, a bad habit, even borderline compulsive if she were to be really honest. The vocalist did it at least once a month, maybe even more so these days especially after getting a brand-new smartphone few months ago which allows her to ego-search literally anytime anywhere faster than before, and she just couldn’t stop doing it. Chisato and the others had been warning her about the danger of ego-searching since it obviously made Aya visibly upset and unable to focus on their rehearsals (and thus that’s why she decided to just do it at home after Chisato literally scolded her big time about it). But today was different, she wouldn’t be home until late because of her idol work, and she hadn’t done the ego-search for a while (no, not even on her phone). Her brain was itching to know what the public thought of her and her chest was filled with tremendous uneasiness.

The first article that popped up was from a reputable idol news site.

Aya felt a temporarily relieved as she clicked the link that lead to that article. It’s just a bunch of pictures of their CD release event recently that had been professionally taken with a decent camera. She clicked through several pictures of herself and mumbled on how cute she looked on some but then she frowned on another, despising the way she flaunted her smile and body. It looked so fake and it made her almost feel sick instantly by just looking at her own face.

“I look bad at this angle.” She muttered, clicking to one of the pictures that has her smiling self and Hina on it. She put her finger on the screen, tracing Hina’s face delicately.

“On the contrary, she looks really gorgeous.” She said softly, feeling embarrassed all of the sudden. Aya knew at what level Hina is at already, obviously way better that she’s now. The teal-haired girl is so incredibly talented and pretty, she’s been the title for numerous idol news sites and almost all of them seemed to be praising all the quality of Hina that Aya obviously lacked. And yet, Aya still harbored a feeling towards her, the one love that would always be overshadowed by the feeling of inferiority.

The vocalist finally got tired of that one site and moved to another. She briefly read various tweets she came across, mostly from people attending Pastel*Palettes’ recent live.

@pasulover25- Aya-chan‘s voice is so good!

@ayachanrabu- Been a fan of her since trainee days and I’m honestly feeling really proud seeing where see is right now ^w^)b

@stanpasupare- ayachan qtpi, really. pasupare best girl.

@pinkbunny- don’t let ayachan flop y’all she’s been workin' rly hard!!

Aya laughed, the internet lingo sure was something. She scrolled and scrolled, only to find even more praises of her, which was way too weird for her taste. The vocalist shook her head in disbelief as she clicked the back button and now found herself on the top page of the search engine again. Her eyes scanned for potentially interesting title and immediately clicked it once she found something remotely suspicious. An infamous gossip site showed up on her ego-search. She raised her eyebrows and began to shivered as negative thoughts began to crept up to her mind, making her feeling vulnerable and uncomfortable.

“Just one look, I promised.” She mumbled to herself and begin clicking the site link. Numerous articles showed up, most of it were about way more popular and more prominent members of the idols or entertainment industry in general, but then, one article caught her glimmering eyes.

**[DISCUSSION] NOBODY ACTUALLY LIKES MARUYAMA AYA?**

Aya’s heart immediately sank the moment the title hit her head. “What does that mean?” She mumbled while scrolling her cursor down to read the rest of the article. Based on the word choices, the writer—whoever they are—was an obvious Aya anti, even Aya herself can tell that much. There’s so much references and arguments, down to the time while she was still a trainee with her old group. Most of it was about on how other members of the band had other particularly interesting charm or how popular they’re now on the eyes of general public, except Aya herself. There’s even a paragraph dedicated to baseless rumors such as Aya having private social media just to trash-talk her band members. The vocalist fought the urge to cry as she decided to push on further down to the comment sections.

[anonymous446]—She’s honestly the worst idol on this generation, that voice? Makes my ears wanted to explode

[dreamdrama]—Must be sucks for Chisato to be on the same group as these amateurs, especially Maruyama Aya

[botboyboy]— Isn’t the reason her old group failed is because Maruyama Aya is a really terrible person?

[catidols002]—Man, I’ve been waiting for Hina to debut only for her to be in the same group with that untalented Maruyama Aya? This suck, I love Hina but following this band has been a pain in the ass.

[hinalvr]— hina is way better

[boppinzappin]— only here for hina anyway

[ibanezboy]— hinachan best girl everyone else can go home especially Maruyama Aya

**_ Hina chan is _ **

**_ Hina!!! _ **

**_ Hina  _ **

**_ Hin _ **

**_ Hi _ **

**_ H _ **

“Stop.”

The screen now looked blurry and Aya instinctively wrapped her arms on her own body, trying her best to calm herself down. She felt her breath quickened rapidly and she found herself froze on her current spot. This always happened whenever she ego-search herself too deep and when she read an extremely ill content about herself. She just got really upset. Usually she’d be curling up on her room, letting herself settled on her bed until she would breathe normally again and the world would finally stop spinning for her. But this wasn’t such a case, ego-searching yourself on your workplace turned out to be a very terrible idea.

“Aya-chan? Are you okay?”

A voice, a familiar voice. Aya looked up briefly, unable to made out shapes through her tear-filled eyes. She mumbled, making a few unrecognizable words through her still sobbing self. The owner of the voice scooted closer with curious eyes.

“Ah! You’re doing this again!” She said, slamming her laptop shut in one single movement. “Chisato said this isn’t a boppin’ thing to do, Aya-chan!”

“Go away, Hina.” She said harshly upon recognizing that particular speech pattern. Hina shot her a confused look and pointed out to the clock on the corner of the room.

“We’re having a meeting here in 30 minutes.” She said nonchalantly, taking her seat beside Aya. She hummed happily but Aya found it way too unbearable for her to be on the same room as Hina right now. This is the girl everyone likes and the girl that everyone wants—Aya included.

“Why you always to have it so easily when you’re just a very inconsiderate person in real life?!” Aya said, her voice strained and filled with pain. She wondered if this was the thing Sayo had to deal with each and every single day, the inevitable inferiority complex. Yes, even when both her and Sayo love Hina from the bottom of their respective heart, this wasn’t an easy path to walk through. Not when Hina was so above them in almost every way possible. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Hina said again, “You looked weird and are asking weird question.”

Frustrated, she pushed Hina off her chair. “Is this some sort of a game to you?! Oh yeah, of course it is a game for you… what am I thinking…”

“That hurt, Aya-chan! What did I do wrong?” Hina said, picking herself (and the chair) up while scratching the back of her head. “You’re not being very zappin’ right now.”

Aya put her gaze away, feeling extremely guilty all of the sudden. “This isn’t right, I’m sorry.” She whispered weakly. It wasn’t right to do that to Hina when she didn’t really anything at the first place, it’s never right to blame someone else for a burden that you placed on you yourself.

“Look, Aya-chan. Rule number one of searching yourself on the internet is to never put your full name on the search box.” Hina said again, already smiling like a ray of sunshine she usually is. She scooted closer to the other girl once again, never afraid to be hurt despite of all things. Aya could feel Hina’s cool hand rubbing the small of her back, giving Aya the comfort she’s been craving.

“You’ll find more good comments if you type your nickname or your given name instead, like _‘Aya-chan’_ or _‘Aya’_! Because that’s what people who actually likes you will refer to you as!”

Aya laughed, she actually laughed on Hina’s comment. The teal-haired girl said it as a matter of factly and Aya honestly really considering to heed her advice the next time she did an ego-search. She glanced at Hina who smiled back in return, completely beaming with her lively eyes.

“You laugh! That’s cute.”

“I-I’m sorry, Hina. I was just— People are saying lots of good things about you, you know? I just felt like… I can’t keep up to that and I felt really annoyed at myself… and you.”

“And what? I don’t care what other people say anyway.” Hina said again, pulling Aya closer to a warm embrace. “You should too.”

“I can’t do that so easily, I’m not you.” Aya said, slightly sobbing. She rested her head on the crook of Hina’s neck. The sweet scent of peach rushes through her sense and it felt incredibly pleasant and calming. Aya quickly thought that it must had been Hina’s new aromatic oils.

“Why? Why is it not enough when you just hear it from me?” Hina asked, there’s a hint of melancholy to it, something Hina didn’t usually show. “I thought I told you everyday on how much of a boppin’ person you are, Aya-chan. I guess it’s not enough, huh.”

“No, Hina—" Aya was cut off by Hina’s lips before she could even say anything. She felt a gentle tug on her shirt when Hina tried to bring both of them even closer, and Aya complied, letting herself to be kissed in return. Her chest felt incredibly warm and she didn’t want to let go, and so was Hina. The teal-haired girl kissed her again, the second time, the third time, and only after the fourth that they’d pull out of the need to breathe.

“I love you, Aya-chan. I really do. It hurts to see you ain’t being so boppin’.” She finally said, ghosting a kiss on the crook of Aya’s neck. She did it so delicately, as if she’s currently handling a fragile porcelain vase at hand. Aya's heart fluttered upon such gesture, as it always was when Hina showed her care for her. 

“I know. I love you too, and I’m so sorry for my action earlier.” Aya said again, caressing Hina’s back in return.

“It’s alright. I don’t understand why, but I hope you feel better now.”

“I am, thanks Hina.” Aya smiled softly.

She glanced at the clock upon remembering where there are suddenlt and jolted in surprised. “W-We should get ready. I think everyone will be here soon.”

“Eh? But I still want to cuddle you up.” Hina pouted, reluctant to let Aya go from her embrace. Aya’s cheeks tinted with red, unpleasant images of Chisato being super mad if she ever found out they’d been kissing on the workplace made her shivered. She gently pushed Hina away and sat straight on her own chair.

“One last kiss?”

“No, we can’t.”

“Come on!”

Aya sighed, “Right, resistance is futile.” And then she kissed Hina once again.

**Author's Note:**

> I actually based Hina's advice on smth that an rl idol had said before (i think it was sashihara rino from hkt48?) who actually sometimes did ego-search too and avoided using her full name (and use her nickname instead) because of the said reason


End file.
